When Pain Gets in the Way of Life

When you have chronic pain, seemingly easy things (like going to a baseball game) can quickly become daunting. My fiancé and I love going to baseball games. In fact, our wedding reception will be at a AAA game here in Salt Lake City.

While at these games I alternate sitting and standing as often as I can without annoying the people behind me. I go for walks occasionally (read: probably not enough). And still, I end the day in tears, limping along in shame, angry at myself…for what?

It gets disheartening thinking “this time will be different.” Or feeling like you’re a burden or overwhelming your loved ones. It’s embarrassing also. The people you’re with just want to have fun and here you are, reminding them that there’s pain in the world. Inadvertently calling attention to yourself through whimpers and falling ever farther behind while they stride confidently along ahead of you.

In moments like these, I feel like a failure.

But that’s okay. You read that right. I’ve finally realized that it’s perfectly okay to FEEL like a failure. There is, after all, a big difference between “I feel like a failure” and “I am a failure.” It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to feel. The reality is that my pain gets in the way of my life sometimes. And that’s okay. It’s not good, but it’s okay.

What I’m trying to say is that acceptance goes a long way toward easing the travails of chronic pain. Try not to fight it so hard, and you’ll find that it actually gets easier. In this instance,  thinking “I shouldn’t be hurting. I should be able to keep up.” didn’t do me any good. Because I was hurting. I wasn’t able to keep up.

When I allow myself to feel, I find the pain less stressful. Yeah. It still sucks.

But that’s okay.